Yes, I say a short guide because the list of things you should not give your loved one on Valentine’s Day is so very, very long. Give any of these gifts and it could well be so long buster, get out, the door is thataway > > > .
Kitchen appliances —have you ever known a kitchen appliance to make anyone feel special? I mean in a heartfelt way, I am not referring to what you may or may not do with the rubber tongs, honestly.
Jewellery—hmmm, well if you have the money why not? Except do you really know what he or she likes? If you buy something with a heart on it, make sure it doesn’t look too much like plastic. You paid a lot for that 100% cubic zirconia so it may as well look the real deal.
Oh, and if you give jewels on Valentine’s Day, what’s left for all the other properly BIG days like anniversaries and birthdays huh? Huh? Bar. Too. High.
Write a special poem—No. Don’t do it, just don’t. Even if you are really, really good at poetry, forget it. Besides, if you are really, really good at poetry chances are you are flying solo already.
Write a lovely song—Unless you are Michael Bublé, See above. If you are James Blunt do us all a favour and leap out the nearest window.
Lingerie—you are really giving it to yourself, aren’t you? Be honest. You are hoping to see that little saucy number just as soon as the dessert plates hit the sink. Call me old fashioned, but a pair of crotchless panties just doesn’t ding my bell. No jokes please about where I keep my bell, thank you.
Under no circumstances team the lingerie with any rubber or battery powered devices. Handcuffs are a definite no no. I know gifts can sometimes be about “the story” but that story is about gutters and sleaze, not about romance. Give someone that and you are not quite so interested in touching their heart if you know what I mean. And I know that you do.
A picture of the two of you—shows you are needy. You are giving the recipient something to rip in half when it’s all over. If you collage the frame with shells from that favourite beach you both adore, the relationship, God willing, will be over immediately. Chin up, you might be able to meet a new partner at the local retirement village’s Craft Club.
Flowers—the almost “no fail” gift. Try to remember to take the supermarket label off them first. Not near a supermarket? Fear not, the local petrol station has stocked up for “busy” people like you. Nothing says romance like the unmistakable fragrance of petrol. Under no circumstances give her dead flowers (because she is a goth, an emo or says she hates flowers). She might “get” your joke but you make well “get” a head injury, some marching orders or both.
A final word of caution: Desperately hooking up with the dork who works at the Chemist might seem like a good idea, but it probably isn’t. Being alone is not the same as being lonely. If you are a bit lonely there is plenty of time to work on that… don’t freak out and rush into something just because it’s Valentine’s Day. Never fear, there is a potential stalker out there for all of us.
• Top image is a Look Mama “love” card design
• Handcuffs stockings image is from the Flickr stream of Mnyc1
• Look! We found you a lovely shell photo frame, just in case you didn’t have time to make your own. It’s available from sunnymothernature on Etsy for the bargain price of $90.
• The flowers are from the Flickr steam of Kejadlin