Christmas balls-up

Rum ballsChristmas pudding rum balls.
What balls did you think I meant?

I prefer ordinary rum balls since Christmas cake is not my favourite.  I’m sure Nana trotted out the same old cake every year. No one noticed… because no one ate it. I’m sure the great economy of making a cake last four or five Christmases made her chuckle until at least March every year.

Here is a recipe. They’re all the same. My best and only tip (apart from “buy them” if you must and don’t give them to people thinking they are a good present, because they aren’t) is use real rum or else what’s the point?

This recipe makes around 80 rum balls, which is about 60 too many OR makes one gigantic rum ball.  Don’t forget the spoons.


  1. 3 dark fruit cake from supermarket (1kg each)
  2. 250ml Rum plus the rest of the bottle for the cook to make the whole process go just a little bit snoother.  I mean sMoother.
  3. 500g cooking white chocolate chips (more I reckon because chocolate is way better than cake)
  4. 1 bag of Jaffas OR red glacé cherries, pick your poison.
  5. 1 bag of Allen’s snakes (keep the green ones, throw the rest away immediately)
  6. silver ball things that look beeyoooteful but will break your teeth as sure as hitting the coffee table when you pass out.


  1. Crumble the fruit cake into a very large bowl, try to break the big lumps into smaller bits. Yes, try. Even though you will be squashing it all back together again in 5 minutes we wouldn’t want any cake to miss out on it’s rum bath.
  2. Pour some rum slowly into a glass and drink it quickly. Pour some more, even more slowly, into the mixture.
  3. Use both hands and mix the rum and cake thoroughly. You should be wearing gloves.  I don’t care if rum is medicinal or antiseptic. Put gloves on.
  4. Add more rum and keep mixing into the cake and make sure all the cake is covered in rum until a nice moist texture, but not too wet. How do you tell? Well, if you face-plant in it there should be a nice mould of your face but not too many cakey bits sticking to your face afterwards. This is an example, but not an actual recommended method of testing.
  5. Drink some more rum.
  6. Scoop a spoonful of the mixture into your palm and roll it into the size of a golf ball. That’s not a very dainty size but funny to see the people who don’t like rum balls attempt to eat it. Especially if they shove the whole thing in. Make a couple the size of your head just for fun.

To decorate:

  1. Cut the green snakes on an angle to form a leaf shape. You could use spearmint leaves but only if you want to make everyone sick.
  2. Melt white chocolate in a bowl over a saucepan of simmering hot water. Give yourself a quick facial at the same time. Then let it set aside to cool down a little. Taste to check, taste again, realise you haven’t made enough after all. Repeat step 2.
  3. Spoon a dollop on top of the rum ball and let it drip down on the side like candle wax. Note: do not use candle wax, no matter what Mister Rum is telling you.
  4. Top it with a Jaffa or half a glace cherry to add that festive touch of E120 colouring. Then put 2 green leaves on.
  5. Decorate with some delightful silver balls because that will blind everyone to the fact your rum balls probably aren’t round and are several different sizes. It’s the overall effect we are after.
  6. Serve.
  7. Make heartfelt warning about not eating and driving. Pass out behind the sofa with a tea towel on your head.

Rum ball image is from the Flickr stream of mrlerone
Yes I know, it doesn’t have a jaffa on it. But you get the idea, yeah?
If I was going to show you an exact pic of the recipe I’d have to go make a batch of these suckers and I’m not going to. Not even for you.  Never again. Sorry.

About gillianloves

I decided there was not enough laughing in my life so I set to and started to design greeting cards in addition to my other design work. I'm happy to make people smile and to show that giving something really good takes as little effort as sending something pretty ordinary. I fully believe that if you can laugh about it someday you may as well laugh about it today. And also that we are just about as happy as we try to be. But you should know, Pollyanna I'm not. Even I might want to slap her after a day or so.
This entry was posted in Christmas, Food & drink and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

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