Decorate a great Christmas tree without even trying (or caring)

Look Mama Angel's head

Don’t be afraid to use possessed ornaments.

Here we go again!

My friend’s Christmas tree is the tree of trees. It’s absolutely picture perfect. It matches. It has a theme. It is divine. Our tree, however, does not follow any of the standard rules for tree decoration. Our tree is a bit of an equal opportunity tree.

I told my tree-perfect friend to come and have a look. She said, deadpan, “I’ve seen your tree“. Ohhh-kay then. Each to their own. She takes the whole tree biz most seriously.

Well none of you have seen my tree and, since I haven’t put it up yet, I can’t show it to you in all it’s glory.  However, if you follow these simple steps your tree will be the spitting image of mine. Adopting a minimal care attitude involves much less angst and heartache than striving for catalog perfection.

Real tree or artificial? Several years ago during The Great Drought we opted for artificial. It’s bad enough when the needles fall off after two weeks, even worse when they fall off before you buy it. This year we thought about buying a new one or a real one but it seemed a waste of a couple of hundred dollars that we could spend on alcohol instead. Yes, that’s how we roll.

Under no circumstances opt for the “pine tree in a can” scent. It’s worse than toilet freshener and we used the rest of it up on the cat’s litter box. The cat then refused to use the box and we spent a week on a “treasure hunt” you don’t want to know about.

Colour theme. You can have any theme you like.  We find you can’t go wrong with multicoloured. This is also known as “eclectic” by those in the know.

Ornaments. Of course you can buy every manner of matching ornament and decorate with up-to-date modern style and flair.

Christmas ornaments

Don’t be afraid to add a touch of whimsy to your tree. And maybe a dash of the hysterical.

We choose to keep every ornament ever made by the children and hang them up year after year.  Not so much because we adore what the children made, but because they are in the box. And everything in the box goes on the tree. It’s a tradition and traditions are what Christmas is made of.

Isn’t our angel beautiful? Look how happy she is to see you, and see you she can see you boys and girls because she’s just a little bit possessed. Don’t be afraid, unless of course you are naughty, in which case she will fly into your room at night and… well, you don’t need to know the rest.

Look Mama! Angel

One year we did buy new plastic balls for the tree because I had some faintly ludicrous idea I’d do a pretty tree and not one that looked like a sparkly rubbish tip. Turns out they looked plastic but were in fact glass. Gave the cat a bit of a shock when he found out. He ran down the hallway with one in his mouth <so funny we cried, look at that we laughed> and proceeded to crunch it up in a bedroom doorway. We had glass in the cat’s mouth and glass in the carpet.  Tops. Cat was fine by the way, ornaments went in the bin.

Christmas ornaments

The less things that match the better

Lights—how many do I need? You need four thousand.  That is my absolute minimum. Our decorations may be a bit on the dodgy side but when those lights click on every evening you can’t see the decorations at all. In fact, if it catches you unawares you can’t see anything for a good 5 minutes.

As a final touch you can (after too many margaritas or a mixup in your meds) opt to hang a couple of birds from the roof near the tree and have them hold decorations in their beaks… maybe a bauble, maybe a string of beads.  This is very realistic and makes it look like the birds have decorated your tree for you. Under no circumstances use real birds. We are after Disney reality here.
Note: Too many birds may invoke an Alfred Hitchcock reality.  Also to be avoided.

If you aren’t going for the birds plummeting in from above the least you can do is run a train around the bottom of the tree.  Santa will love you for it. There’s nothing like stepping on a toy train in the middle of the night as you dispense the gifts under the tree.

So now you know how to make a tree every bit as beautiful as mine. Off you go to the garage or the attic to dig the dusty old Christmas bag out of the heap of junk it is under. You know there will be a tarantula hiding in there somewhere. Just when you think “Phew, no spiders”, it will leap out at you like a furry ninja. My last tip is to take a can of mace and a taser.  Good luck.

Cat and dog ornaments from the Flickr Stream of Patti Haskins
Th
e other images are mine. I’m not even embarrassed to say it. Yep, that’s pretty much what it looks like, year in year out. And if you try hard, or rather not so hard,
yours will too.

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Lucky I can type this…

Lucky I can type this …. because I can’t find my lady pen.

If I ever wondered why I love Ellen I only need to look at something like this and go “yep, that’s why”. Ellen is awesome.

 

 

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Has anyone ever told you… you could be a model baby, oh yeah

So I get myself set up to do a little product photography…

Product shot of an awesome coffee mug.

I’ll give you a hint.  It’s a tail.

Oh hello. There you are. I’ve been freaking INVISIBLE behind here.

Cat looking out from behind curtain

So, not much actual product photography, unless I decide the product is the cat. In which case most productive, well done me, I deserve applause. Not that I had any say in it.  This particular model was calling all the shots. I was hoping for a Blue Steel look  to seal the deal but not this time.

Cat sniffing light, cat blinding itself by eyeballing lightbulb


Cat licking it's paw. Like yuk. Cat looking pensive Always looking up, go cat.

Okay this one is not too bad…a touch of Blue Steel. But then he got stroppy, demanded to eat something, and stalked off in a huff. Good talent is so hard to find.

Cat chewing camera strap

I decided the lightcube whatsit would have to get packed away if it was to survive.  I’m all for leaving things out forever so this was a major decision. Man, have you ever tried getting one of those suckers folded up again? It’s nearly as bad as the beach shades except there isn’t any wind, sand and people standing around laughing at you.

Well, there might have been people laughing at me but I gave up and stashed it behind the bookcase. I got it flat. Don’t judge me.

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RIP Rik Mayall

I loved Rik Mayall. Totally and utterly. And as much as his death makes me sad, this clip of him still makes me laugh. Thanks Rik, you were totally awesome.

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I can fly higher than an eagle

I have a thing for eagles.  Kind of a geeky love like the people who spot trains or car transporters… oh, that’s us too, well anyway > eagles are way cool. We get them around my home and I’ve been known to stop the car and point at the sky with a stupid big smile on my face.

Once I saw one with those leather ties on its legs that bird handlers use. Only it turned out not to be leather ties … it was carrying a GREAT BIG SNAKE.  I know. Scream. Luckily I wasn’t standing underneath it.

The snake was all shiny in the sun like a big black ribbon. It was whipping around and making it hard for the eagle to fly. Watching it was making it hard for me to drive since it was a 100km per hour road and I couldn’t stop due to traffic. I wonder if the bird took it up high and dropped it to make sure it was dead.  Properly dead as opposed to ‘partially dead and might come round and bite you first chance it gets’.

You can imagine my delight when I was shown these videos. Take a ride with an eagle. Pretend you are on it’s back ala the Hobbit movie. Whatever you do, agree it is totally awesome. I especially like the way the eagle follows the skiers like it wants to eat them.

If you are wondering how they did it…

People have pet eagles! Just wait until I tell the family that a new puppy is out of the picture.

 

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I’ve been having a little snooze…

You know the feeling.  One minute you’re….

Cat sitting on printer about to fall asleep

The next minute you’re….

Cat with face buried in printer, asleep.

That’s a bit what this blog has been like for the past few months!

Sorry. But then, I did promise in the beginning that if I didn’t have anything to say I would shut up. So you know, I warned you.

Happy New Year! Can I still say that?  Well, I just did. I hope you have a great one.  

Here we go again on another whirlwind trip around the sun.  And it’s already almost 1/12 gone!

 

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The perfect suggestion for Christmas leftovers.

You must have had enough turkey by now… what is the perfect suggestion for all those Christmas leftovers? Throw them out.

Turkey Tetrazzini II. TWO. indicating there are a raft of other versions. Turkey and peas. Mmmmmm.

Really. Well, if you can’t bring yourself to do that, you can up-cycle them through the cat or dog first. No cooked bones though people or you will be putting the new room on the vet’s house by New Year’s Eve.

How many quiches, fried rices and creamy turkey pastas can you stand? Turkey korma is just another way of saying turkey coma. And just one word of note at this point: Turkey pizza is wrong. No ifs or buts, it’s just wrong.
Don’t do it.

Okay, so throwing out is wasteful. But eating five kilos of turkey in a week “just to get rid of it” is going to ensure Christmas remains with you for another three or four months as you hit the treadmill to work it off. Except you are so not hitting the treadmill, are you?

Make yourself feel better, thrifty and frugal by investing in a set of Suckerware (aka Tupperware) and freeze the bulk of your bountiful feast. That way you a) feel good now and b) have something to throw out in ten months when you find it at the back of the freezer.

An even better idea is to use the el-cheapo takeaway variety container so you don’t even need to bother wrestling the sad freezer-burned lump of something out of it’s storage coffin.  You can bin the lot.

You know it makes sense.

Find the Turkey pasta image and recipe (plus a horrifying number of
Turkey Recipe Alternatives) here.
Buy heartburn medication here.
Get your new fat pants here or here. Or from the back of your wardrobe.  We’ve all got some… don’t pretend you haven’t.

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